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Post by tommyhargrove on Jul 14, 2010 17:45:35 GMT -5
yeah so i'm sorta new to rping, so I was curious if anyone could give me some feedback on my rp.
Any suggestions or help would be greatly appriciated.
I'll do the same in return, although i'm not really sure how much help I could offer up.
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____
Veteran Pride Poster
Posts: 408
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Post by ____ on Jul 14, 2010 19:45:04 GMT -5
Hey Gary,
First thing, thanks for joining Kingdom of Pride. I can’t wait to work with you. I’ve also not forgotten about your move set. I wasn’t sure if you were coming over to Pride but I will get that done before I go to bed this evening.
Onto the role play, I thought it was a solid effort. Introductory role plays for a fed are hard, you’re tasked with trying to establish your character for everyone, while also giving the match writers something about the character as to accurately portray them in a match.
The introduction caught my eye, especially as a fan of the pugilistic arts. Following that, the description of Nick, “his ripped muscles glistening in the light,” immediately allowed me to visualize the character. Right off of that description, coming in with Tommy being exhausted works to characterize Tommy, making the build in the rest of the role play effective.
Continuing in to the body, you continued to build both characters, Nick and Tommy, keeping them for the most part logical and within a relatively simple framework. Already I can see Tommy as the loser in high-school, someone who had few friends, if any in high school and is now seeking to better his life. You make him a sympathetic character in one role play, but also one many people can relate to.
It’s in this line that I would say to simply drop any hints of being a “tweener” for a moment, and instead focusing on being a face. The character in this single role play is developed as nothing but a face, and any shift from the norm would seem drastic. He also would fill a role that isn’t necessarily taken in Pride, the underdog who’s already accomplished something that the people want to see him accomplish more. There’s definite potential here, if you continue to work at it.
On Nick, I can see him too as the proto-typical jock in high school, who couldn’t leave the gym so took up personal training. His efforts to motivate Tommy throughout the role play using his faults against him are solid, and adds to both characters. The line about him being part of the crew that tormented Tommy works to build both as well, and the change of heart he had is consistent with the character.
All in all, a solid but not spectacular role play, especially as an introduction. A second read would work well as there’s some spelling mistakes, rogue capitalization and a few grammatical errors, but they don’t make the work un readable. Also, you only vaguely touched on the match and didn’t address your opponents that much, something that is key to sell the match. Developing the character is necessary to make us want to see your character, selling the match makes it so we want to see him wrestle. That said, it could be forthcoming in a second role play for this week.
Keep up the good work bud.
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