Post by Delikado/J-Noble on Apr 15, 2011 14:08:22 GMT -5
Our scene opens in the Kingdom of Pride parking lot. Lots and lots of cars are visible, which is to be expected given it is…a lot of parking. Car after car, all of which are plain and uninteresting like a Johnny Noble promo, we eventually have our camera (the POS 1999) pans to a part of our parking lot where a loud roar of an engine is heard. Seconds later, a flash of red is seen speeding past the camera and then hitting a bump. The vehicle (because really, what else drives, a unicorn?) flies into the air, and for a split second, the POS 1999 is able to catch a free-frame of the source of these loud sounds:
YES, I KNOW I JUST SAID IT WAS IN THE AIR AND THE PICTURE IS ON THE GROUND! SHUT THE *^&% UP!
Anyway, the smart car monster truck soars through the air after hitting a speed bump in the parking lot. Seconds later, it comes sailing down with the horn blaring…right on top of several of those parked cars we saw earlier. Several of the plain and uninteresting cars are crushed under the ginormous tires of our smart car monster truck, yet the madness does not stop there, as the behemoth tithers to the right and then falls on its side, smashing cars in the VIP parking now. Not so “Very Important Person” anymore, are ya? Glass, metal, and everything else that makes up a car goes everywhere with a crescendo of noise unlike any you’ve heard before meeting it every step of the way. With finality, the smart car monster truck comes to rest on top a motorcycle and goes silent. The driver’s side door is kicked open and smoke billows out in a cloud that could almost rival a Tic Tic novel in terms of overall size. It might even rival Bronx Bomber, but let’s not go that far just yet. As the smoke blows away, heavy rock is heard blaring from the speakers of the smart car monster truck, as well as some muttering. After your anticipation builds to the greatest level possible, which tops any anticipation you’ve ever felt toward anything wrestling related…and not wrestling related…a man falls out of his vehicle and lands on the ground with an impact that is blunt yet strangely sexy. The man lies on his face, smoke continuing to build around his face. Slowly but surely he rolls over, revealing himself to be…
Delikado!!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mister Cuba sits up and wipes off some pavement from his elbow as he turns and looks back at the destruction he caused just showing up for work today.
Delikado: Nyeah, that’ll do for now.
TITLE SCREEN:
After that not-so award winning title screen (what do you expect, Pride has no budget at all…they couldn’t even get us a black background or the ability to change text size…or anything nice like every other fed in the world has. I betcha a fed in piss-poor broke India could afford to give us the means to create a half-decent title card…), the camera switches inside the South Knoxville Community Center where two men are watching the live footage taken outside in the parking lot. It’s Kurt Noble and Jeremy Sterling, and they’ve just seen the entire scene of chaos the one they know as Delikado created in the two minutes he’s been back in this company. Kurt rubs his temple, frowning.
Kurt Noble: He…he just ran over half the cars of our employees.
Sterling turns to the co-GM.
Jeremy Sterling: Well, he IS Delikado, remember. But, uh, hey, you were the one who got him signed up again. You sure you don’t want to reconsider? I mean I love having Pride’s biggest “Original” back myself for the nostalgia, buuuut…
Noble waves a dismissive hand of superiority. He knows full well that even if his recent signee is crazier than a box of cats or him winning the UWC Royal Rumble the other day, it’s still a move he made, and Noble’s nobleness (see: evil arrogance) will not let him admit what a mistake this might be, even IF it’s the Kingdom of Pride’s final show ever (maybe).
Kurt Noble: No. This is just how the man prepares himself to get into the ring and make shit interesting. Everyone in Pride has their way of doing that, some are just louder about it than others.
Jeremy Sterling: Like when you used to let your wife bump uglies with Chris Cage?
Noble’s head tilts to the left as his eyes narrow in a hateful glare at Sterling, who just looks the other way trying to appear innocent in his question.
Kurt Noble: You…are a piece of work. I think I might actually hate you now.
Sterling silently continues looking everywhere except at Kurt. Mr. Noble frowns at his business partner a few seconds more before turning back to the camera watching the parking lot. He follows Delikado as he has now stood up and is arguing with the owner of the bike he just crushed. The biker looks like a little bitch as he brandishes a vest reading SOA on it and points threateningly at Delikado and then to his bike. He sulks while Delikado indifferently chews on his cigar and blows smoke into the air. Nothing can be heard, as Pride’s budget isn’t good enough to buy cameras with sound, but it Delikado can be seen mouthing something and then stepping back. The biker makes a hostile gesture when Delikado steps forward and clocks him with the Last Call to Cuba! The biker goes flying halfway across the lot into a trash dumpster. The heavy lid falls on the biker and shuts him in with yesterday’s garbage, and Delikado strikes a mighty pose, grinning like a BAWSE! Noble just looks on, trying not to show anymore displeasure with his longtime rival’s actions in a company he now runs with a man he would describe only as a douchebag.
Kurt Noble: Anyway, he’s still a part of this company’s history, and it’s only right that he’s here for the final show we’ll ever have.
(maybe)
Kurt Noble: He’s one of the best. Don’t worry your little gothic soap opera head about it, Sterling.
Not bothered about the character analysis, Sterling just grins and walks away from the screen.
Jeremy Sterling: Whatever you say, Noble.
Noble cocks an eyebrow like he’s not satisfied with how that conversation went or something. Poor guy, doesn’t he realize that not every conversation has to be deep and emotional…and corny?
Kurt Noble: Hey! It wouldn’t be the first time he destroyed something and then kicked someone in the face seconds later because they got onto him about it!
Sterling opens the door to his office and enters, shutting the door without a response. Noble shudders when his partner is gone and rubs the left side of his face with a shaky hand.
Kurt Noble: It…ughhh…it most certainly wouldn’t…*shudder*
Noble quickly shakes off the scarring of his past and turns back to the camera as Delikado is now propped up against the wall smoking his cigar without a care in the world.
Kurt Noble: Still…you better not screw me on this, Deli. I mean, yeah, Amy isn’t giving me any…but…yeaaaah…dumb bitch thinks my Viagra is pain medication.
Hanging his head and signing, Kurt Noble paces away from the screen. Back in the parking lot, Delikado is idly standing by with a grin on his face as he chomps on the cigar in his mouth. His eyes rotate around the parking lot and then to the Pride arena itself.
Delikado: Seriously, how did this place go this long without Delikado? After all, he IS the greatest thing to ever walk through the company’s doors. How they could ever consider thinking they could restart this place and then have it wait out this entity of Cuban badness is, well, queer. Foolish and queer.
Delikado takes the cigar from his mouth and examines it.
Delikado: But hey, they couldn’t leave Delikado behind like this, even when he was up in E-Catraz running the joint.*
*If you want to get the whole story on Delikado and his time in E-Catraz, go to UWC and read something.
Delikado: And now…*stretches and leans forward* the mighty Delikado will get all up in this shit and rock Pride like he never left! We’re gonna change this place for the better, even if we have to kill someone to do it! We just—
Delikado suddenly stops in mid-inspirational speech to himself and turns to find some people looking at him in confusion. Mister Cuba looks back at them with a cocked eyebrow.
Delikado: Oh god, NOT-Delikado’s. I wonder if they’re infected with disease. The disease of…being anything less than Delikado.
Foobles the Pride Fan: Heeeey, you’re the immigrant who just ran over all our cars! Terrorist!
Delikado blows smoke into the air, closing his eyes and grinning with pride.
Delikado: Heh-heh, awfully lame excrement xanthodont (ALEX), Delikado is not a terrorist! He’s BETTER than a terrorist, in FACT!
Delikado turns his head to a mighty 90-degree angle as heroic music begins to play from…somewhere. The watchers all watch on with uncertainty as Delikado takes a step forward, upping his cool intensity level by 1000% in the process.
Delikado: Oh yes, in FACT!, Delikado is so much better than a backpack bomber or a suicide bomber or a Shawn Stevens comeback bomber, he’ll proudly let you know now what he is, as you’re clearly too retarded to figure it out with all your horrible baldness and ugliness!
One the people, a small bald kid in his teens, lowers his head and frowns in sadness.
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: I have cancer…*sniff*
Ignoring that, Delikado blows smoke into the air as the music picks up in volume. Really, that shit is getting loud. Delikado pulls his cigar from his mouth as he really gets into, well, himself.
Delikado: Delikado is the strongest, fastest, smartest, sexiest, strongest, bestest wrestler in the entire world and space and all that composes the rest of that not-liberal science! I am…THE CHAMPION, THE BOSS, DA BAWSE, THE PRISTINE KING, MISTER CUBA, THE CUBAN MISSILE, THE CUBAN MISSLE CRISIS, UNBREAKABLE, THE CUBAN WARRIOR…DELIKADO!!!! And I am……………………………………..awesome.
As if on cue, one of the cars Delikado previously ran over explodes in the background. A mushroom cloud appears as fire can be heard crackling in the background as well, yet Delikado acts as if it was simply meant to be. The civilians standing before him don’t look very sold on who this man is, because he STILL kinda ran over their property. Delikado grins as he reinserts his cigar into his mouth. Foobles the Pride Fan walks forward, looking the least interested of all.
Foobles the Pride Fan: Well, whoever you are, you’re gonna have to pay for vandalizing our cars like you did with that…that monstrosity car.
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: Yeah! The medication to make my pain less painful was in there! I’m dying!
Delikado: What the fuck is this? They act like Delikado is not the greatest thing in their miserable NOT-Delikado lives! Has Pride REALLY come to this, embracing blind, deaf, and dumb fanbases? It’s like we got all the Josh Eagle fans purchasing our goods and watching my product! God, Delikado really hopes Eagles isn’t here in Pride…
Delikado thinks for a minute and then waves a dismissive hand. He holds out his right hand and then clenches it into a powerful fist, a signature taunt of the Cuban. It’s a symbol of his almighty power, and right now he’s focusing that and his look on these dumb fans.
Delikado: Do not worry, little Pride fan fools, for you see, your king…has returned! It was always inescapably so, you know, and now he is here! I am here!
Foobles the Pride Fan: And now you’re going to pay for our stuff.
Delikado: Delikado is here, and he will not—O SHEET! DRIVE-BY!
Suddenly, Delikado dives to the ground as a car drives by slowly and then goes around the arena, vanishing from view. The people look at the downed Cuban with cocked eyebrows as Delikado covers his head.
Delikado: Just shoot the children! They’re our future, aren’t they? Well any future that does not know of Delikado’s heroic BAWSEness does not deserve to even clean my floor!
Delikado peeks his head up after a few seconds. Everyone else continues to be dumbfounded by the Cuban.
Delikado: Is it over? Did Delikado frighten the hoods away with his swift moves?
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: Swift moves? You just jumped to the ground and cowered!
Delikado: To the untrained eye, you may think that…but Delikado moves with a different kind of swiftness than any other on this planet. It’s science, and that’s what ran that ghetto trash away. Delikado did not cower. It was just an optical illusion, a symbol left for you all to gaze at while I saved the world…the wrestling world.
Foobles the Pride Fan: First of all, you cowered and were ready to sell us all out just to save yourself. Second, that wasn’t even some “ghetto trash”, you psycho. That was our janitor.
Delikado: But he was black!
Everyone else is shocked. Delikado is just standing there with no different facial expressions even after what he said.
Sicky the Sick Fan: Ooooh…you’re one of thooooooose foreign people.
Delikado takes a puff of his cigar before answering.
Delikado: Yes, very foreign is Delikado, if by that you mean in terms of his talent and skill that defeats your own every time, you pale little monster. Now go get Delikado a drink, as he is thirsty. Make sure it’s champagne too, as it is the only beverage Delikado shall be seen with on this run. I shall be waiting in my…quarters. The Champion’s Quarters, which is the only place Mister Cuba can reside in, and hopefully Pride came to realize that before I returned to them.
Foobles the Pride Fan: But my car!
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: And my dying!
Delikado: Both of you go to hell. Cept you…
As Delikado walks by these fans, he stops and gazes at a sexy little redhead in a mini-skirt and a shirt that is purposely too large, causing it to slide and lower at every move. She smiles as Delikado extends his arm and she takes it, going with the Cuban. The other fans appear to be ready to take this, except for Foobles, who steps forward with determination.
Foobles the Pride Fan: HEY! You are NOT going to just do what you did and walk away as if—
Delikado spins around and clocks Foobles with his foot—THE LAST CALL TO CUBA! Foobles falls to the ground, instantly unconscious. That’s what happens when you’re just a fan and Delikado kicks you. Fans crumble like a pile of rocks or Austin Virgo’s ability to write out the human language of English, and wrestlers go flying. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Probably. Several witnesses gasp as Delikado straightens out his jacket and looks down at Foobles, the fire in full burn mode in his eyes.
Delikado: That. THAT was refreshing, and now you…YOU…
Delikado reaches to the left and pulls up a title card, reading it before tossing it back to the right as if anything happened.
Delikado: Foobles the Pride Fan, are the FIRST step OF DELIKADO’S JOURNEY! YOU’RE THE FIRST DOCUMENT OF THE CHAMPION’S JOURNEY, BITCH!!!
Delikado nods in approval of his own actions and words and walks away with that sexy little number still gripping his arm. The fans either scatter or stand there in shock at what went down. The POS 1999 follows Delikado as he enters the arena with a cocky grin on his face.
Meanwhile, in E-Catraz…
We find ourselves inside the warden’s office of the E-Catraz prison, the biggest, most complex prison system ever created to strictly hold wrestlers in the wrestling world for the worst kinds of crimes. Sitting in the main chair is the warden himself, his face covered in a heavy mask that is similar to a WWII gas mask. What a weirdo. Either way, the figure leans forward at their desk and hisses out words in-between shallow breaths.
E-Catraz Warden: And now…where is our…Cuban…?
A guard stands before the desk looking over some footage before looking up to answer his boss.
E-Catraz Guard: In Tennessee. Kingdom of Pride, Tennessee to be specific.
E-Catraz Warden: Swell. So he…did go back there…Idiot. I suppose…that now would be…the time to catch him and bring…bring him back after he slipped loose at the UWC WarZone. He will realize…
The warden chuckles a bit before continuing in his spooky evil ways.
E-Catraz Warden: …that E-Catraz is bigger than the Bawse.
He holds up a gloved left hand and clenches it into a fist.
E-Catraz Warden: For this…for Pride…grab me Seraph.
E-Catraz Guard: Got it, Boss.
The guard snaps his fingers and a video screen appears down from the ceiling, showing footage of a man in grungy clothes being shifted out of his cell. However, before anything can happen, this “Seraph” snaps forward, takes the guard’s badge, and cuts himself with it.
E-Catraz Guard: No! No! Don’t cut yourself! Nooooooo!
Static overtakes the screen. The warden lowers his head, mumbling angrily.
E-Catraz Warden: Fucking idiots…
The first guard pokes his head back into the office, looking worried and sheepish.
E-Catraz Guard: He kinda…cut himself and got dead…
E-Catraz Warden: I know…you moron. Just…bring me…Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314.
E-Catraz Guard: Aye-aye, cap’n Warden sir!
A ringing is heard followed by some unoriginal industrial music as a conveyor belt comes on-screen and a man built like…well…a wrestler comes out of the fryer that made him. He sits up, already dressed for competition.
Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314: I am going to win. I have what it takes. I know I can be victorious and that I can win. They will not have a chance, and I will destroy my opponent, [insert name].
The warden chuckles confidently as the wrestler is wheeled off to win on a gurney.
E-Catraz Warden: Yes…yes…Delikado may be powerful, but he is not “Boss” level powerful anymore. Therefore, our Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314 will most certainly make him job. And once Delikado jobs, he will be paralyzed long enough for us to scoop him up and bring him back to E-Catraz, where he will NOT escape for the rest of his wrestling world days.
Evil laugh time for the warden as he throws his head back and, you guessed it, laughs evilly. Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314 is shown being inserted into the backseat of a car like a box or something and then drive off to the location of our hero/villain/central character.
Back to Pride…
We catch up with the Cuban ultimo-star himself and his “date” for the evening of his return to the Kingdom of Pride as they trek through the hallway. Neither really gets a word in before a voice rings out with echoing sensation.
Alex Avice: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! DELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!
Delikado closes his eyes at the sound of the voice.
Delikado: No…no…NO! Pleeeeeease, just let that be the sound of someone getting molested…so Delikado can ignore it.
Deli’s “date” turns and looks down the other end of the hallway where Pride interviewer is standing with his microphone held high and behind a group of guys as they are struggling to carry some heavy machinery into a room. The interviewer is shaking like a fat person with excitement as he waits for the workers to carry the stuff out of the way, as the combined blockage fills the hall and prevents Avice from running at Delikado.
Delikado’s Bitch: I think it was that little guy down there. He looks like an interview.
Delikado: AW, THANKS FOR CONFIRMING THAT, BITCH!!
Alex Avice: Wait for me, Deli! Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Delikado’s head cocks around to lock his eyes on the annoying little cretin.
Delikado: Fuck…me.
Delikado’s Bitch: I will if we’d just-
Delikado: You shut your mouth—hold on we will, babe—before Delikado does things to you that AREN’T of a sexual nature in front of everyone. HORRIBLE THINGS!
Delikado’s Bitch: Okay! Jesus…
Alex Avice: Man, is this the longest wait or WHAT? HUH?!?!
The workers finally move out of Avice’s way with their stuff and he begins to gaily run to Delikado, who does not look pleased to see the interviewer even after all this time. When he finally gets there, Alex is all grins at Delikado’s side.
Alex Avice: Delikado! Heeeey, duuuuude! Pound it, man!
Delikado cocks an eyebrow at the initial comment, but relaxes when Avice merely holds out a fist he wishes to get bumped.
Delikado: Oh, good grief, you gave Delikado a start there, Alex, what with all your gayness.
JJ/Alex somewhere else: HEY!!!
The interviewer continues to hold out his fist and Delikado, after a few tense seconds, give it a lazy bump and an accompanying sigh.
Delikado: So here you are, Delikado’s only side character who happens to be alive anymore. You know, Delikado might consider you a foe at this point, Alex. Did you not consider that when you rushed Mister Cuba looking to have your hand pounded?
Alex Avice: I’m not a side character! I’m the Kingdom of Pride’s favorite interviewer!
He gives Delikado and his “date” a smile and two thumbs up, which only causes Delikado to frown further. Suddenly, the POS 1999 zooms in on Avice, buzzing as it examines him from head to toe.
Alex Avice: Whoa, nice camera.
Delikado: POS 1999? Yeah, he’s been with Delikado since the very beginning.
~Kingdom of Pride 2007~
We come to footage that is in black and white (Pride's budget was SUPER low back then). Delikado is standing by chatting with Alex Avice about something, looking as amazing as ever as he does so even back in 06, when the camera nudges over just a fraction of an inch and we see the POS 1999 floating there.
~Back to the Present~:
Delikado smiles as he remembers all those times.
Delikado: Yessir, very important in the rise of Delikado’s greatness, the POS 1999 has been.
Alex Avice: So, uh, have you heard the news?
Delikado rolls his eyes in disbelief.
Delikado: Oh for the love of me, Alex. Don’t you tell Delikado that you’re into that Bible book and spreading around its message of how some guy came to Earth with amazing skills and practically saved everything and everyone with his awesomeness! That’s just not gonna cut it with me, Alex, having to hear about how this otherworldly figure came down, did some stuff, and then left. Hearing that over and over from cretins like you…that’s just something Delikado is prone to kick you in the mouth over, okay?
Alex Avice: No, no, I was talking about your match here in Pride this evening, about Pride, Honor, and Valiance II, dawg!
Delikado crosses his arms, grinning.
Delikado: Yes, yes, of COURSE Delikado heard about that, you little monkey suit. I mean, pfft, why would he even be here if he DIDN’T know about a match between himself and some other person and/or persons. But, uhhhh…
Delikado looks around before leaning in close to Avice to whisper.
Delikado: Maybe you should just tell everyone else watching. You see, Delikado’s date here…*nudges to “date”*
Alex Avice: Yes, she’s very pretty.
Delikado: Nyeah, Delikado’s nailed hotter. Anyway, she ain’t exactly smart up in the old sternum, so maybe you could just tell us what it is in a “matter of fact” manner? Delikado would, but he doesn’t want to make her feel stupider than a Stephen Callaway makes other people feel with its shapes, you know?
Avice peeks over Delikado’s shoulder to the redhead who is presently putting on makeup and adjusting her rather sleazy top in a nearby mirror.
Alex Avice: Uhhh…sure, Deli.
Avice coughs and turns to the camera as Delikado stands at his side.
Alex Avice: Well, Delikado, on this tonight, on the Kingdom of Pride’s final show EVER...
(MAYBE!)
Alex Avice: You take on both the man they know as “The Gangstar” Dru Tha Merc and Syndicate Champion Kid Flanagan in a match for Flanagan’s title. Delikado, you've been away from Pride for a long time. Now that you're back, what are your comments regarding tonight?
Delikado starts to say something when he does a double-take and his brain begins to piece everything together that was just said like it was complicated.
Delikado: Well, for all the little NOT-Delikado's out there, Delikado is...Hold it…the Syndicate title? Pride’s final show? “Gangstar”?! Whaaaaaaat?!
Delikado looks into the POS 1999 lens with an expression of shock as the scene cuts to black with dramatic music.
YES, I KNOW I JUST SAID IT WAS IN THE AIR AND THE PICTURE IS ON THE GROUND! SHUT THE *^&% UP!
Anyway, the smart car monster truck soars through the air after hitting a speed bump in the parking lot. Seconds later, it comes sailing down with the horn blaring…right on top of several of those parked cars we saw earlier. Several of the plain and uninteresting cars are crushed under the ginormous tires of our smart car monster truck, yet the madness does not stop there, as the behemoth tithers to the right and then falls on its side, smashing cars in the VIP parking now. Not so “Very Important Person” anymore, are ya? Glass, metal, and everything else that makes up a car goes everywhere with a crescendo of noise unlike any you’ve heard before meeting it every step of the way. With finality, the smart car monster truck comes to rest on top a motorcycle and goes silent. The driver’s side door is kicked open and smoke billows out in a cloud that could almost rival a Tic Tic novel in terms of overall size. It might even rival Bronx Bomber, but let’s not go that far just yet. As the smoke blows away, heavy rock is heard blaring from the speakers of the smart car monster truck, as well as some muttering. After your anticipation builds to the greatest level possible, which tops any anticipation you’ve ever felt toward anything wrestling related…and not wrestling related…a man falls out of his vehicle and lands on the ground with an impact that is blunt yet strangely sexy. The man lies on his face, smoke continuing to build around his face. Slowly but surely he rolls over, revealing himself to be…
Delikado!!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mister Cuba sits up and wipes off some pavement from his elbow as he turns and looks back at the destruction he caused just showing up for work today.
Delikado: Nyeah, that’ll do for now.
TITLE SCREEN:
The King…Has Returned (And He Is VERY Awesome)
After that not-so award winning title screen (what do you expect, Pride has no budget at all…they couldn’t even get us a black background or the ability to change text size…or anything nice like every other fed in the world has. I betcha a fed in piss-poor broke India could afford to give us the means to create a half-decent title card…), the camera switches inside the South Knoxville Community Center where two men are watching the live footage taken outside in the parking lot. It’s Kurt Noble and Jeremy Sterling, and they’ve just seen the entire scene of chaos the one they know as Delikado created in the two minutes he’s been back in this company. Kurt rubs his temple, frowning.
Kurt Noble: He…he just ran over half the cars of our employees.
Sterling turns to the co-GM.
Jeremy Sterling: Well, he IS Delikado, remember. But, uh, hey, you were the one who got him signed up again. You sure you don’t want to reconsider? I mean I love having Pride’s biggest “Original” back myself for the nostalgia, buuuut…
Noble waves a dismissive hand of superiority. He knows full well that even if his recent signee is crazier than a box of cats or him winning the UWC Royal Rumble the other day, it’s still a move he made, and Noble’s nobleness (see: evil arrogance) will not let him admit what a mistake this might be, even IF it’s the Kingdom of Pride’s final show ever (maybe).
Kurt Noble: No. This is just how the man prepares himself to get into the ring and make shit interesting. Everyone in Pride has their way of doing that, some are just louder about it than others.
Jeremy Sterling: Like when you used to let your wife bump uglies with Chris Cage?
Noble’s head tilts to the left as his eyes narrow in a hateful glare at Sterling, who just looks the other way trying to appear innocent in his question.
Kurt Noble: You…are a piece of work. I think I might actually hate you now.
Sterling silently continues looking everywhere except at Kurt. Mr. Noble frowns at his business partner a few seconds more before turning back to the camera watching the parking lot. He follows Delikado as he has now stood up and is arguing with the owner of the bike he just crushed. The biker looks like a little bitch as he brandishes a vest reading SOA on it and points threateningly at Delikado and then to his bike. He sulks while Delikado indifferently chews on his cigar and blows smoke into the air. Nothing can be heard, as Pride’s budget isn’t good enough to buy cameras with sound, but it Delikado can be seen mouthing something and then stepping back. The biker makes a hostile gesture when Delikado steps forward and clocks him with the Last Call to Cuba! The biker goes flying halfway across the lot into a trash dumpster. The heavy lid falls on the biker and shuts him in with yesterday’s garbage, and Delikado strikes a mighty pose, grinning like a BAWSE! Noble just looks on, trying not to show anymore displeasure with his longtime rival’s actions in a company he now runs with a man he would describe only as a douchebag.
Kurt Noble: Anyway, he’s still a part of this company’s history, and it’s only right that he’s here for the final show we’ll ever have.
(maybe)
Kurt Noble: He’s one of the best. Don’t worry your little gothic soap opera head about it, Sterling.
Not bothered about the character analysis, Sterling just grins and walks away from the screen.
Jeremy Sterling: Whatever you say, Noble.
Noble cocks an eyebrow like he’s not satisfied with how that conversation went or something. Poor guy, doesn’t he realize that not every conversation has to be deep and emotional…and corny?
Kurt Noble: Hey! It wouldn’t be the first time he destroyed something and then kicked someone in the face seconds later because they got onto him about it!
Sterling opens the door to his office and enters, shutting the door without a response. Noble shudders when his partner is gone and rubs the left side of his face with a shaky hand.
Kurt Noble: It…ughhh…it most certainly wouldn’t…*shudder*
Noble quickly shakes off the scarring of his past and turns back to the camera as Delikado is now propped up against the wall smoking his cigar without a care in the world.
Kurt Noble: Still…you better not screw me on this, Deli. I mean, yeah, Amy isn’t giving me any…but…yeaaaah…dumb bitch thinks my Viagra is pain medication.
Hanging his head and signing, Kurt Noble paces away from the screen. Back in the parking lot, Delikado is idly standing by with a grin on his face as he chomps on the cigar in his mouth. His eyes rotate around the parking lot and then to the Pride arena itself.
Delikado: Seriously, how did this place go this long without Delikado? After all, he IS the greatest thing to ever walk through the company’s doors. How they could ever consider thinking they could restart this place and then have it wait out this entity of Cuban badness is, well, queer. Foolish and queer.
Delikado takes the cigar from his mouth and examines it.
Delikado: But hey, they couldn’t leave Delikado behind like this, even when he was up in E-Catraz running the joint.*
*If you want to get the whole story on Delikado and his time in E-Catraz, go to UWC and read something.
Delikado: And now…*stretches and leans forward* the mighty Delikado will get all up in this shit and rock Pride like he never left! We’re gonna change this place for the better, even if we have to kill someone to do it! We just—
Delikado suddenly stops in mid-inspirational speech to himself and turns to find some people looking at him in confusion. Mister Cuba looks back at them with a cocked eyebrow.
Delikado: Oh god, NOT-Delikado’s. I wonder if they’re infected with disease. The disease of…being anything less than Delikado.
Foobles the Pride Fan: Heeeey, you’re the immigrant who just ran over all our cars! Terrorist!
Delikado blows smoke into the air, closing his eyes and grinning with pride.
Delikado: Heh-heh, awfully lame excrement xanthodont (ALEX), Delikado is not a terrorist! He’s BETTER than a terrorist, in FACT!
Delikado turns his head to a mighty 90-degree angle as heroic music begins to play from…somewhere. The watchers all watch on with uncertainty as Delikado takes a step forward, upping his cool intensity level by 1000% in the process.
Delikado: Oh yes, in FACT!, Delikado is so much better than a backpack bomber or a suicide bomber or a Shawn Stevens comeback bomber, he’ll proudly let you know now what he is, as you’re clearly too retarded to figure it out with all your horrible baldness and ugliness!
One the people, a small bald kid in his teens, lowers his head and frowns in sadness.
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: I have cancer…*sniff*
Ignoring that, Delikado blows smoke into the air as the music picks up in volume. Really, that shit is getting loud. Delikado pulls his cigar from his mouth as he really gets into, well, himself.
Delikado: Delikado is the strongest, fastest, smartest, sexiest, strongest, bestest wrestler in the entire world and space and all that composes the rest of that not-liberal science! I am…THE CHAMPION, THE BOSS, DA BAWSE, THE PRISTINE KING, MISTER CUBA, THE CUBAN MISSILE, THE CUBAN MISSLE CRISIS, UNBREAKABLE, THE CUBAN WARRIOR…DELIKADO!!!! And I am……………………………………..awesome.
As if on cue, one of the cars Delikado previously ran over explodes in the background. A mushroom cloud appears as fire can be heard crackling in the background as well, yet Delikado acts as if it was simply meant to be. The civilians standing before him don’t look very sold on who this man is, because he STILL kinda ran over their property. Delikado grins as he reinserts his cigar into his mouth. Foobles the Pride Fan walks forward, looking the least interested of all.
Foobles the Pride Fan: Well, whoever you are, you’re gonna have to pay for vandalizing our cars like you did with that…that monstrosity car.
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: Yeah! The medication to make my pain less painful was in there! I’m dying!
Delikado: What the fuck is this? They act like Delikado is not the greatest thing in their miserable NOT-Delikado lives! Has Pride REALLY come to this, embracing blind, deaf, and dumb fanbases? It’s like we got all the Josh Eagle fans purchasing our goods and watching my product! God, Delikado really hopes Eagles isn’t here in Pride…
Delikado thinks for a minute and then waves a dismissive hand. He holds out his right hand and then clenches it into a powerful fist, a signature taunt of the Cuban. It’s a symbol of his almighty power, and right now he’s focusing that and his look on these dumb fans.
Delikado: Do not worry, little Pride fan fools, for you see, your king…has returned! It was always inescapably so, you know, and now he is here! I am here!
Foobles the Pride Fan: And now you’re going to pay for our stuff.
Delikado: Delikado is here, and he will not—O SHEET! DRIVE-BY!
Suddenly, Delikado dives to the ground as a car drives by slowly and then goes around the arena, vanishing from view. The people look at the downed Cuban with cocked eyebrows as Delikado covers his head.
Delikado: Just shoot the children! They’re our future, aren’t they? Well any future that does not know of Delikado’s heroic BAWSEness does not deserve to even clean my floor!
Delikado peeks his head up after a few seconds. Everyone else continues to be dumbfounded by the Cuban.
Delikado: Is it over? Did Delikado frighten the hoods away with his swift moves?
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: Swift moves? You just jumped to the ground and cowered!
Delikado: To the untrained eye, you may think that…but Delikado moves with a different kind of swiftness than any other on this planet. It’s science, and that’s what ran that ghetto trash away. Delikado did not cower. It was just an optical illusion, a symbol left for you all to gaze at while I saved the world…the wrestling world.
Foobles the Pride Fan: First of all, you cowered and were ready to sell us all out just to save yourself. Second, that wasn’t even some “ghetto trash”, you psycho. That was our janitor.
Delikado: But he was black!
……………………………………………………………..
Everyone else is shocked. Delikado is just standing there with no different facial expressions even after what he said.
Sicky the Sick Fan: Ooooh…you’re one of thooooooose foreign people.
Delikado takes a puff of his cigar before answering.
Delikado: Yes, very foreign is Delikado, if by that you mean in terms of his talent and skill that defeats your own every time, you pale little monster. Now go get Delikado a drink, as he is thirsty. Make sure it’s champagne too, as it is the only beverage Delikado shall be seen with on this run. I shall be waiting in my…quarters. The Champion’s Quarters, which is the only place Mister Cuba can reside in, and hopefully Pride came to realize that before I returned to them.
Foobles the Pride Fan: But my car!
Sicky the Sick Pride Fan: And my dying!
Delikado: Both of you go to hell. Cept you…
As Delikado walks by these fans, he stops and gazes at a sexy little redhead in a mini-skirt and a shirt that is purposely too large, causing it to slide and lower at every move. She smiles as Delikado extends his arm and she takes it, going with the Cuban. The other fans appear to be ready to take this, except for Foobles, who steps forward with determination.
Foobles the Pride Fan: HEY! You are NOT going to just do what you did and walk away as if—
Delikado spins around and clocks Foobles with his foot—THE LAST CALL TO CUBA! Foobles falls to the ground, instantly unconscious. That’s what happens when you’re just a fan and Delikado kicks you. Fans crumble like a pile of rocks or Austin Virgo’s ability to write out the human language of English, and wrestlers go flying. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Probably. Several witnesses gasp as Delikado straightens out his jacket and looks down at Foobles, the fire in full burn mode in his eyes.
Delikado: That. THAT was refreshing, and now you…YOU…
Delikado reaches to the left and pulls up a title card, reading it before tossing it back to the right as if anything happened.
Delikado: Foobles the Pride Fan, are the FIRST step OF DELIKADO’S JOURNEY! YOU’RE THE FIRST DOCUMENT OF THE CHAMPION’S JOURNEY, BITCH!!!
Delikado nods in approval of his own actions and words and walks away with that sexy little number still gripping his arm. The fans either scatter or stand there in shock at what went down. The POS 1999 follows Delikado as he enters the arena with a cocky grin on his face.
Meanwhile, in E-Catraz…
We find ourselves inside the warden’s office of the E-Catraz prison, the biggest, most complex prison system ever created to strictly hold wrestlers in the wrestling world for the worst kinds of crimes. Sitting in the main chair is the warden himself, his face covered in a heavy mask that is similar to a WWII gas mask. What a weirdo. Either way, the figure leans forward at their desk and hisses out words in-between shallow breaths.
E-Catraz Warden: And now…where is our…Cuban…?
A guard stands before the desk looking over some footage before looking up to answer his boss.
E-Catraz Guard: In Tennessee. Kingdom of Pride, Tennessee to be specific.
E-Catraz Warden: Swell. So he…did go back there…Idiot. I suppose…that now would be…the time to catch him and bring…bring him back after he slipped loose at the UWC WarZone. He will realize…
The warden chuckles a bit before continuing in his spooky evil ways.
E-Catraz Warden: …that E-Catraz is bigger than the Bawse.
He holds up a gloved left hand and clenches it into a fist.
E-Catraz Warden: For this…for Pride…grab me Seraph.
E-Catraz Guard: Got it, Boss.
The guard snaps his fingers and a video screen appears down from the ceiling, showing footage of a man in grungy clothes being shifted out of his cell. However, before anything can happen, this “Seraph” snaps forward, takes the guard’s badge, and cuts himself with it.
E-Catraz Guard: No! No! Don’t cut yourself! Nooooooo!
Static overtakes the screen. The warden lowers his head, mumbling angrily.
E-Catraz Warden: Fucking idiots…
The first guard pokes his head back into the office, looking worried and sheepish.
E-Catraz Guard: He kinda…cut himself and got dead…
E-Catraz Warden: I know…you moron. Just…bring me…Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314.
E-Catraz Guard: Aye-aye, cap’n Warden sir!
A ringing is heard followed by some unoriginal industrial music as a conveyor belt comes on-screen and a man built like…well…a wrestler comes out of the fryer that made him. He sits up, already dressed for competition.
Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314: I am going to win. I have what it takes. I know I can be victorious and that I can win. They will not have a chance, and I will destroy my opponent, [insert name].
The warden chuckles confidently as the wrestler is wheeled off to win on a gurney.
E-Catraz Warden: Yes…yes…Delikado may be powerful, but he is not “Boss” level powerful anymore. Therefore, our Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314 will most certainly make him job. And once Delikado jobs, he will be paralyzed long enough for us to scoop him up and bring him back to E-Catraz, where he will NOT escape for the rest of his wrestling world days.
Evil laugh time for the warden as he throws his head back and, you guessed it, laughs evilly. Gene Eric Rossler 45595314314 is shown being inserted into the backseat of a car like a box or something and then drive off to the location of our hero/villain/central character.
Back to Pride…
We catch up with the Cuban ultimo-star himself and his “date” for the evening of his return to the Kingdom of Pride as they trek through the hallway. Neither really gets a word in before a voice rings out with echoing sensation.
Alex Avice: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! DELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!
Delikado closes his eyes at the sound of the voice.
Delikado: No…no…NO! Pleeeeeease, just let that be the sound of someone getting molested…so Delikado can ignore it.
Deli’s “date” turns and looks down the other end of the hallway where Pride interviewer is standing with his microphone held high and behind a group of guys as they are struggling to carry some heavy machinery into a room. The interviewer is shaking like a fat person with excitement as he waits for the workers to carry the stuff out of the way, as the combined blockage fills the hall and prevents Avice from running at Delikado.
Delikado’s Bitch: I think it was that little guy down there. He looks like an interview.
Delikado: AW, THANKS FOR CONFIRMING THAT, BITCH!!
Alex Avice: Wait for me, Deli! Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Delikado’s head cocks around to lock his eyes on the annoying little cretin.
Delikado: Fuck…me.
Delikado’s Bitch: I will if we’d just-
Delikado: You shut your mouth—hold on we will, babe—before Delikado does things to you that AREN’T of a sexual nature in front of everyone. HORRIBLE THINGS!
Delikado’s Bitch: Okay! Jesus…
Alex Avice: Man, is this the longest wait or WHAT? HUH?!?!
The workers finally move out of Avice’s way with their stuff and he begins to gaily run to Delikado, who does not look pleased to see the interviewer even after all this time. When he finally gets there, Alex is all grins at Delikado’s side.
Alex Avice: Delikado! Heeeey, duuuuude! Pound it, man!
Delikado cocks an eyebrow at the initial comment, but relaxes when Avice merely holds out a fist he wishes to get bumped.
Delikado: Oh, good grief, you gave Delikado a start there, Alex, what with all your gayness.
JJ/Alex somewhere else: HEY!!!
The interviewer continues to hold out his fist and Delikado, after a few tense seconds, give it a lazy bump and an accompanying sigh.
Delikado: So here you are, Delikado’s only side character who happens to be alive anymore. You know, Delikado might consider you a foe at this point, Alex. Did you not consider that when you rushed Mister Cuba looking to have your hand pounded?
Alex Avice: I’m not a side character! I’m the Kingdom of Pride’s favorite interviewer!
He gives Delikado and his “date” a smile and two thumbs up, which only causes Delikado to frown further. Suddenly, the POS 1999 zooms in on Avice, buzzing as it examines him from head to toe.
Alex Avice: Whoa, nice camera.
Delikado: POS 1999? Yeah, he’s been with Delikado since the very beginning.
~Kingdom of Pride 2007~
We come to footage that is in black and white (Pride's budget was SUPER low back then). Delikado is standing by chatting with Alex Avice about something, looking as amazing as ever as he does so even back in 06, when the camera nudges over just a fraction of an inch and we see the POS 1999 floating there.
~Back to the Present~:
Delikado smiles as he remembers all those times.
Delikado: Yessir, very important in the rise of Delikado’s greatness, the POS 1999 has been.
Alex Avice: So, uh, have you heard the news?
Delikado rolls his eyes in disbelief.
Delikado: Oh for the love of me, Alex. Don’t you tell Delikado that you’re into that Bible book and spreading around its message of how some guy came to Earth with amazing skills and practically saved everything and everyone with his awesomeness! That’s just not gonna cut it with me, Alex, having to hear about how this otherworldly figure came down, did some stuff, and then left. Hearing that over and over from cretins like you…that’s just something Delikado is prone to kick you in the mouth over, okay?
Alex Avice: No, no, I was talking about your match here in Pride this evening, about Pride, Honor, and Valiance II, dawg!
Delikado crosses his arms, grinning.
Delikado: Yes, yes, of COURSE Delikado heard about that, you little monkey suit. I mean, pfft, why would he even be here if he DIDN’T know about a match between himself and some other person and/or persons. But, uhhhh…
Delikado looks around before leaning in close to Avice to whisper.
Delikado: Maybe you should just tell everyone else watching. You see, Delikado’s date here…*nudges to “date”*
Alex Avice: Yes, she’s very pretty.
Delikado: Nyeah, Delikado’s nailed hotter. Anyway, she ain’t exactly smart up in the old sternum, so maybe you could just tell us what it is in a “matter of fact” manner? Delikado would, but he doesn’t want to make her feel stupider than a Stephen Callaway makes other people feel with its shapes, you know?
Avice peeks over Delikado’s shoulder to the redhead who is presently putting on makeup and adjusting her rather sleazy top in a nearby mirror.
Alex Avice: Uhhh…sure, Deli.
Avice coughs and turns to the camera as Delikado stands at his side.
Alex Avice: Well, Delikado, on this tonight, on the Kingdom of Pride’s final show EVER...
(MAYBE!)
Alex Avice: You take on both the man they know as “The Gangstar” Dru Tha Merc and Syndicate Champion Kid Flanagan in a match for Flanagan’s title. Delikado, you've been away from Pride for a long time. Now that you're back, what are your comments regarding tonight?
Delikado starts to say something when he does a double-take and his brain begins to piece everything together that was just said like it was complicated.
Delikado: Well, for all the little NOT-Delikado's out there, Delikado is...Hold it…the Syndicate title? Pride’s final show? “Gangstar”?! Whaaaaaaat?!
Delikado looks into the POS 1999 lens with an expression of shock as the scene cuts to black with dramatic music.
To be…..CONCLUDED!!!!!!
