Post by Better Than Johnny Noble on Jul 16, 2010 18:42:50 GMT -5
To win a four way match you have to have plenty of skillz to play da billz. An X Factor. A couple of beefy bodyguards help too. Oh, and plenty of movez.
Actually. That's all a lie. All a big fat lie. Something people tell you to try and pretend that they're good. In reality you need LOTS of luck. You need to become Lucky McLuck and Irish if you want to be able to guarantee a win. Luckily enough (GEDIT?! ROFL!) John Parker is a fairly lucky chap. So this one's in the bag then I assume?
!!!
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£££
$$$
%%%
^^^
&&&
***
(((
)))
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Our scene opens up inside John Parker's brand spankin' new locker room! Unfortunately, though, it's SO new that there's nothing in it. It's just...white. Think Morgan Freeman's office building in 'Bruce Almighty'. Because this is mightily close. Not that I'm saying John Parker is god or anything
But yeah. John sits in the centre of all this whiteness on a steel chair. He looks around nodding his head and humming 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to himself. He has to do a repeat of his tune...and then another. But John Parker has ADD. He can't sit around for ever! So yeah, he pops up and decides he's had enough and leaves his locker room. He goes down the corridor before turning right and going into what appears to be a backstage worker's locker room. They all immediately stop what they're doing and look up at him.
Actually. That's all a lie. All a big fat lie. Something people tell you to try and pretend that they're good. In reality you need LOTS of luck. You need to become Lucky McLuck and Irish if you want to be able to guarantee a win. Luckily enough (GEDIT?! ROFL!) John Parker is a fairly lucky chap. So this one's in the bag then I assume?
!!!
"""
£££
$$$
%%%
^^^
&&&
***
(((
)))
___
+++
===
---
¬¬¬
```
Our scene opens up inside John Parker's brand spankin' new locker room! Unfortunately, though, it's SO new that there's nothing in it. It's just...white. Think Morgan Freeman's office building in 'Bruce Almighty'. Because this is mightily close. Not that I'm saying John Parker is god or anything
But yeah. John sits in the centre of all this whiteness on a steel chair. He looks around nodding his head and humming 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' to himself. He has to do a repeat of his tune...and then another. But John Parker has ADD. He can't sit around for ever! So yeah, he pops up and decides he's had enough and leaves his locker room. He goes down the corridor before turning right and going into what appears to be a backstage worker's locker room. They all immediately stop what they're doing and look up at him.
Random guy who's never going to be mentioned again because John Parker killed him off screen moments after his one line cameo: You get lost or summin?
Random backstage fella #4: Fuck off, dick.
John Parker: Woah. Chill fellas. I just thought I'd hang with you guys for a bit.
John steps forward and forces him in between two workers who are playing FIFA 10 on X Box. We recognize them as Chris and Random backstage fella #2 from earlier.
Random fella #2: How come you've come to hang with us slummers?
Chris: Yeah sahn. I thought you were up-tahn. We down-tahn.
John Parker: My locker room's just well boring. Nothing in it.
Random fella #2: Ha! You can have Kurt Noble to blame for that. He's racist so he wanted to give his black janitor lots of work.
John Parker: o rly.
Random backstage fella #4: Yeah. He's a dick.
John, Chris and Random backstage fella #2 all turn to face the man in the corner who keeps insulting everyone. random backstage fella #4.
Random backstage fella #4: What you lookin' at? Want me to take you oot?
Chris: LEAVE IT AHT SAHN, I'D DO YOU IN!
#4 snarls and tries to get to his feet but his knee gives way. He collapses to the floor and starts to curse. Not God, but as many left wing politicians as he can think of. We'll just leave him to it, shall we?
John Parker: What's your name anyway?
Random fella #2: Bob.
John Parker: Ah. Nice to meet you.
Chris: He's a sheepshagger, sahn. I'd watch yourself if I was you.
John stares at the camera with a horrified look on his face. He casually then gets to his feet and walks to the other side of Chris and perches himself on the sofa as far away from Bob as he can. Bob is less than impressed.
Bob: That's a fucking lie, I'll have you know!
Chris: Psht.
Chris moves down closer to Bob to allow John to sit down properly.
Bob: Shouldn't you be preparing for your match though, John? I mean. Fatal four way is a tough match.
John Parker: But I'm the bawse, I always win.
"Justin Kaard" runs across the screen crying.
"Justin Kaard": I MEANT THE OTHER JOHN, NOT YOU ALEX!
Bob: ...
Chris: ...
John Parker: ...wut?
Random backstage fella #4: He's a dick. Don't worry about it.
Bob, Chris and John all shrug.
Chris: Seriously though sahn. Your match'll be tough.
John Parker: Pfft. One of them's not even clued up enough to realise I'm in the match. Another one's so generic he thinks that beating a backstage worker up with a weapon makes him hard.
Chris: Yeah, don't do that.
Bob: Yeah, please don't.
Random backstage fella #4: Yeah. Don't be a dick.
John Parker: Calm down, fellas. Beating up a bunch of weak backstage workers with a weapon doesn't make you any good.
Bob: 'Weak' backstage workers?
Chris: BOLLSHIT! I'LL FAHKIN DO YOU IN SAHN! DON'T TEST ME!
Chris jumps to his feet and points angrily at John.
Chris: I'LL FAHKIN SLASH YOU, I WILL!
Chris whips out a pen knife but opens it the wrong way and stabs himself.
Chris: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-
Chris sits back down again immediately and starts to suck at his wound. John blinks a couple of times before continuing like nothing happened. That is the best way to deal with Chris after all.
John Parker: But yeah. It hardly makes me worry about him. Especially since he thinks swinging a stick around is proof he can wrestle his way out of a paper bag. Which is a very original insult
Bob: Yeah haha. That's like calling a welsh person a sheep shagger.
Bob's eyes flick around frantically.
Chris: But you ARE a sheepshagger, m8.
Chris turns to John.
Chris: He's got a police caution for it an' everythin'.
John Parker: But that's besides the point. I even went and got myself a plastic bag to proove how easy it is to 'wrestle' my way out of.
John pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket and opens it up.
Random fella #3: Errr, are you sure this is a good idea, John?
Mr. Sensible random backstage fella #3 speaks up for the first time.
John Parker: Yeah. I'll be fine!
John jumps in the bag and immediately trips over and lands face first at #4's feet.
Random backstage fella #4: Fucking cunt.
John rolls away and kicks out frantically before panicking.
John Parker: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S GOT ME! IT'S GOT ME! I GIVE IN! I FUCKING GIVE INNNNNNNNN!
Bob and Chris, as well as #3, leap into action and pull the plastic bag off John who is breathing heavily.
John Parker: That...is...a lot...harder...than I thought it'd be.
John gets to his feet and snatches the plastic bag back. He tosses it across the room as hard as he can but it just harmlessly floats to the floor. John glares at it whilst Bob can't help but laugh.
John Parker: Ok, so plastic bags are much tougher than paper bags. They're like the Manchester United to the paper bag's Portsmouth.
Bob: HEY!
Chris: Psht. It can't be that tough sahn. I grew up on the streets of Lahndahn. I could do that thing in.
Chris grabs the plastic bag and puts it over his head - almost immediately struggling to breath. He frantically thrashes around and actually stops anyone from getting close enough to help him. He eventually stumbles back and falls over the sofa, cracking his head on the floor where he lies still.
Bob: Think we should help him?
There is a long silence and a piece of tumbleweed flies past the screen. #4 decides to answer for everyone.
Random backstage fella #4: Nah. He was a dick.
Bob: What about Obscene then? He's the other guy.
John Parker: He's also the toughest. The big man. Former World Champion. Beat greats in the past and will in the future. But........then again......he tapped out to Jerry McClean.
Bob: Man. He must be shit.
John Parker: Yeah. That Jerry McClean, you know what they call him in England?
Bob: What?
John Parker: Jobber McClean!
Bob: Man, they do that here too!
Bob and John share a high five before sitting back down on the sofa.
Bob: I mean he lost to Masamune. He's well shit.
John Parker: Yeah. And that Robbie Venom guy. Only shit people lose to him.
Random backstage fella #4: Venom's a dick.
Bob: We were talking about your match earlier actually. After your interview.
John Parker: Yeah, and?
Bob: Well we thought that the luckiest fella would probably win.
John Parker: Luckiest?
Bob: Well you need luck to win a fatal four way. Gotta be in the right place at the right time.
John Parker: This is true. But how do I know if I'm gunna be lucky tonight?
Bob: You could carry on playing as Chris at FIFA? He was losing 10-0. If you manage to score you'll be lucky!
John Parker: Nah. I hate technology. How about a game of rock, paper, scissors?
Bob: Sure.
Both of them shift around to face each other and say together "1...2...3!". John reveals a rock and Bob reveals scissors.
Bob: NO FAIRRRRRRRRRRR! CHEATER! HE CHEATED!
Bob gets to his feet and runs out crying. John watches on with confusion.
John Parker: Guess that means I'm in luck then?
He looks around the room at #4 cursing in the corner, Chris still passed out, and #3 trying to help Chris. He shrugs and gets up before leaving. Just outside he finds "Justin Kaard" and Bob crying their eyes out together. There is literally a river of tears in front of them. John takes a deep breath before jumping in and swimming away. We cut back to #4 for the final comment.
Random backstage fella #4: They're all cunts.
