Post by Better Than Johnny Noble on Aug 28, 2010 20:27:00 GMT -5
A week with no JDP? How the hell did you guys cope?! Maybe with Johnny Noble. But he's a poor man's alternative. Hell, he doesn't even have all of his limbs firing on all cylinders. If he was a rich man's alternative they'd have been fixed. But I digress.
The reason for John's absence, however, really is interesting. And it's something he's only just going to be finding out...
----------
The scene opens inside the Parker household.
JDP: Yo, Kyle. Have I got an e-mail from KoP yet? Those fuckers haven't contacted me in ages.
Kylus: Nah bro. Nuhhin.
JDP: Hmmmm
John turns and goes to the boiler room. He knocks and gets no answer. He opens it to find....NO ONE!
ie. HIS TAG TEAM PARTNER HAS UPPED AND LEFT!
But a note remains. John reads it aloud.
JDP: To John. Sorry our team didn't work out but with my firing I can't hang around to beg for my job back. I have to seek other employment. I hope you fare better. SWC.
Kylus: Fucking hell. I forgot about that.
JDP: About what?
Kylus: About your contract.
JDP: Huh?
Kylus: You had the same type as he did. Your contract was short term and has actually expired! KoP must have kicked you to the curb. Hence no e-mails and matches.
We get a close up of John's contorted face.
JDP: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
***
Outside the KoP arena JDP cannot get past security.
JDP: Come on man. I work here!
Security cunt: Not according to my records.
JDP: Well then your records need updating! If you would just talk to Kur--
Security Cunt: The answer's no. Simple as.
JDP: But but...but the turtle!
Security cunt: What turtle?
YES! HE FELL FOR IT! Giant turtle falls from the sky and squashes the cunt. But as JDP skips past he runs into another. Someone who looks EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!
They share more than looks too. He's a cunt too.
Security Cunt: You can't come in. Back off or I'll call the police.
John backs away with his eyes on the ground when he sees Chris and Bob outside and smoking a joint. He rushes over to them.
JDP: Guys! I can't get in the arena!
Bob: Huh?
Chris: What's wrong sahn?
JDP: The bastards didn't renew my contract.
Delikado: I always said that Kurt Noble was a cunt.
Everyone looks to Deli, who's appeared from no where.
Delikado: What? >_> <_<
JDP: Seriously though, man. I can't even get through security.
Chris: Leave it to me m8. I have...a plan!
***
We fade to find JDP KOed and being carried by Bob towards the door. Bob is struggling. And clearly resents his job.
Bob: Why do I have to be the one to carry him?
Chris: CAUSE YOU FAHKIN DO M8! DIS WAS ALL MY IDEA, YEAH!
They go up to the security cunt.
Chris: Oi sahn. We work here, yeah. And we found this poor guy lying in the street. He's been fahked up by some chavs from dahn tahn. Can you point us in the direction of the physio?
Security cunt: Why do you need to come here?
Bob: Because there's nowhere else!
Securty cunt: Errrr. There is.
The security cunt points to the opposite side of the road to the arena. To a hospital.
Chris: FUCK OFF M8. DIS IS BOLLSHIT! FOCKIN BOLLSHIT!!!!
John jumps off Bob and glares at the security guard.
JDP: Fuck you dude. I need to get in there to get my job back! SWC got a match to prove himself in. I didn't even get that!
Security cunt: I don't care. You're not coming inside. That's final.
Bob: Jeez. You're worse than nightclub bouncers.
Chris: Hold on there m8. I'm sure we can talk about this reasona--
Chris suddenly lunges forward and kicks the security cunt in the balls! He drops to the floor like he's been shot.
Chris: QUICK! RUN! GET INSIDE!
All three run inside.
***
We open to find John Parker just coming out of Kurt Noble's locker room. Alex Avice is waiting for him.
AA: John. I didn't think you worked here anymore?
JDP: I don't. Well I do again now. Well I kinda do. Well I've got the chance to. Well it depends.
AA:......ok?
JDP: I've got a match this week. If I win I get a contract extension and everyone's happy!
AA: Eh. I wouldn't go that far >_>
JDP: Sure they will be. Everyone loves themselves some J...D...P.
John pulls a cheesy pose whilst Alex shakes his head.
AA: So who are you against?
JDP: Apparently I've been added to the opener?
AA: Dru Dallins vs. Bubba Olson?
JDP: ........Chris!
Chris: Yeah.
Chris jumps out of nowhere.
JDP: Do your line.
Chris: Oh. ok........WOT? BOLLSHIT!
JDP: ty
Chris: np
Chris leaves.
John: Yeah man. It's unfair that if I lose this I lose my contract! I don't even have to get pinned!
AA: Well what did you expect? You were ADDED to a match. So it had to have at least two guys involved before you got added anyway.
JDP:......shut up.
AA: >_>
JDP: I'm just lucky I'm against a couple of nobodies.
AA: I wouldn't go that far.
Avice shows John clipboard stuff on each of them. As his eyes focus on Dru his face turns to horror.
JDP: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!
***
We now find JDP hurrying behind a black fella down a street.
JDP: Oi. Nigel.
Black man: Huh? Me?
JDP: Yeah, you.
Black man: But I aint called Nigel.
JDP: suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you're not. Anyway Nigel. You want my phone and wallet? Here. Take.
John shoves his wallet and phone at the black man before running off. The black fella doesn't know what to do. But a second after John runs off police charge to the scene and tackle the black man and arrest him for mugging John! John can be seen smiling evily as the man gets dragged away.
Delikado: Delikado doesn't understand why you've done it, amigo.
John: Nigel's a nigger man. They all related somehow.
Delikado: .....and?
JDP: So he's related to Dru! And if he's related to Dru, Dru's gunna have a family crisis this week and now worry about me. Then I get my singles match with Olson and I get to beat the fat fuck like I beat Bob at Tic Tac Toe.
Delikado: Did Bob cry?
JDP: As always. But that's besides the point. I have to get to phase two in my plan!
Delikado: And what's that?
JDP: Dru's just the token nigger in this fed, man. If I don't want him around I just need to find another.
Delikado: Does Ruford not count?
JDP: Ruford?
Delikado: The big black janitor who spends his time showering with Kurt Noble.
JDP: Ooooooh. Him. He's called Nigel.
Delikado: >_> <_<
JDP: But no. He doesn't count. He's just Kurt's boy toy. And Lille Jamal Sterling's dead so doesn't count either. I just need to find another token nigger. A toke if you will. And Dru won't be needed. And he can go and help bail Nigel out!
Delikado: You know what. That plan. That plan might just work! But where are you going to get the new toke?
JDP: The only place where you find more nigels than you know what to do with.
Delikado: A slave trade boat?
JDP: No.
Delikado: Jail?
JDP: No.
Delikado: A gang headquarters?
JDP: No.
Delikado: A rapping or hip hop concert?
JDP: Nope.
Delikado: Then where?
JDP: The watering hole of the nigels....KFC!
***
We fade back in at KFC> John and Deli are standing by with a huge net as they watch all the 'nigels' eating their bargain buckets and shizzle like that.
Delikado: So what's the plan to catch one?
JDP: Hmmmm. Let's just wing it. Follow my lead.
John charges in side and throws the netting over a large black man.
JDP: I'VE GOT YOU NOW, NIGEL!
But the man hasn't moved. He just takes the net off and glares at John.
JDP: Oh. This could be harder than I thought...
John gets sent flying out by the black man.
Outside John dusts himself down.
JDP: Stupid nignag. This'd be much easier if we were just trying to fill up the paki demographic.
Delikado: You sure you don't want to stick to using Ruford?
JDP: I'm sure man. If Ruford was the token nigel there would have been no need to hire Dru in the first place.
Delikado: Good point. I guess it adds intrigue though.
JDP: Huh?
Delikado: Now people don't know 100% who has the biggest cock backstage.
JDP: This is true. But now it's time for plan B.
John jumps to his feet.
Delikado: I didn't even realise we had a plan A!
JDP: We didn't. And that's plan b. Having a plan!
Delikado: ..........
JDP: Follow meeeeeeeeeeeee!
John charges in again and this time snatches a bargain bucket. Immediately John is chased down by several of the customers. Thank god lille pegleg got a good head start though man. Because we all know how fast black fellas are....
Either way John gets to Deli just in time who Last Call for Cubas one of the onrushing nigels and KOs him! John and Deli survey him from a standing position.
JDP: He'll do. Now let's get him to Knoble and Jezza. This way I just KNOW that Dru Dallins'll be the one from our match not with a job!
Delikado: Don't you feel bad about that though? Delikado wouldn't. But that's because he's Delikado.
JDP: Not really man. He can just go back to shoplifting and feed his little nigels and nigellas that way.
Delikado: Good point.
Fade out 4 good.
The reason for John's absence, however, really is interesting. And it's something he's only just going to be finding out...
----------
The scene opens inside the Parker household.
JDP: Yo, Kyle. Have I got an e-mail from KoP yet? Those fuckers haven't contacted me in ages.
Kylus: Nah bro. Nuhhin.
JDP: Hmmmm
John turns and goes to the boiler room. He knocks and gets no answer. He opens it to find....NO ONE!
ie. HIS TAG TEAM PARTNER HAS UPPED AND LEFT!
But a note remains. John reads it aloud.
JDP: To John. Sorry our team didn't work out but with my firing I can't hang around to beg for my job back. I have to seek other employment. I hope you fare better. SWC.
Kylus: Fucking hell. I forgot about that.
JDP: About what?
Kylus: About your contract.
JDP: Huh?
Kylus: You had the same type as he did. Your contract was short term and has actually expired! KoP must have kicked you to the curb. Hence no e-mails and matches.
We get a close up of John's contorted face.
JDP: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
***
Outside the KoP arena JDP cannot get past security.
JDP: Come on man. I work here!
Security cunt: Not according to my records.
JDP: Well then your records need updating! If you would just talk to Kur--
Security Cunt: The answer's no. Simple as.
JDP: But but...but the turtle!
Security cunt: What turtle?
YES! HE FELL FOR IT! Giant turtle falls from the sky and squashes the cunt. But as JDP skips past he runs into another. Someone who looks EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!
They share more than looks too. He's a cunt too.
Security Cunt: You can't come in. Back off or I'll call the police.
John backs away with his eyes on the ground when he sees Chris and Bob outside and smoking a joint. He rushes over to them.
JDP: Guys! I can't get in the arena!
Bob: Huh?
Chris: What's wrong sahn?
JDP: The bastards didn't renew my contract.
Delikado: I always said that Kurt Noble was a cunt.
Everyone looks to Deli, who's appeared from no where.
Delikado: What? >_> <_<
JDP: Seriously though, man. I can't even get through security.
Chris: Leave it to me m8. I have...a plan!
***
We fade to find JDP KOed and being carried by Bob towards the door. Bob is struggling. And clearly resents his job.
Bob: Why do I have to be the one to carry him?
Chris: CAUSE YOU FAHKIN DO M8! DIS WAS ALL MY IDEA, YEAH!
They go up to the security cunt.
Chris: Oi sahn. We work here, yeah. And we found this poor guy lying in the street. He's been fahked up by some chavs from dahn tahn. Can you point us in the direction of the physio?
Security cunt: Why do you need to come here?
Bob: Because there's nowhere else!
Securty cunt: Errrr. There is.
The security cunt points to the opposite side of the road to the arena. To a hospital.
Chris: FUCK OFF M8. DIS IS BOLLSHIT! FOCKIN BOLLSHIT!!!!
John jumps off Bob and glares at the security guard.
JDP: Fuck you dude. I need to get in there to get my job back! SWC got a match to prove himself in. I didn't even get that!
Security cunt: I don't care. You're not coming inside. That's final.
Bob: Jeez. You're worse than nightclub bouncers.
Chris: Hold on there m8. I'm sure we can talk about this reasona--
Chris suddenly lunges forward and kicks the security cunt in the balls! He drops to the floor like he's been shot.
Chris: QUICK! RUN! GET INSIDE!
All three run inside.
***
We open to find John Parker just coming out of Kurt Noble's locker room. Alex Avice is waiting for him.
AA: John. I didn't think you worked here anymore?
JDP: I don't. Well I do again now. Well I kinda do. Well I've got the chance to. Well it depends.
AA:......ok?
JDP: I've got a match this week. If I win I get a contract extension and everyone's happy!
AA: Eh. I wouldn't go that far >_>
JDP: Sure they will be. Everyone loves themselves some J...D...P.
John pulls a cheesy pose whilst Alex shakes his head.
AA: So who are you against?
JDP: Apparently I've been added to the opener?
AA: Dru Dallins vs. Bubba Olson?
JDP: ........Chris!
Chris: Yeah.
Chris jumps out of nowhere.
JDP: Do your line.
Chris: Oh. ok........WOT? BOLLSHIT!
JDP: ty
Chris: np
Chris leaves.
John: Yeah man. It's unfair that if I lose this I lose my contract! I don't even have to get pinned!
AA: Well what did you expect? You were ADDED to a match. So it had to have at least two guys involved before you got added anyway.
JDP:......shut up.
AA: >_>
JDP: I'm just lucky I'm against a couple of nobodies.
AA: I wouldn't go that far.
Avice shows John clipboard stuff on each of them. As his eyes focus on Dru his face turns to horror.
JDP: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!
***
We now find JDP hurrying behind a black fella down a street.
JDP: Oi. Nigel.
Black man: Huh? Me?
JDP: Yeah, you.
Black man: But I aint called Nigel.
JDP: suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you're not. Anyway Nigel. You want my phone and wallet? Here. Take.
John shoves his wallet and phone at the black man before running off. The black fella doesn't know what to do. But a second after John runs off police charge to the scene and tackle the black man and arrest him for mugging John! John can be seen smiling evily as the man gets dragged away.
Delikado: Delikado doesn't understand why you've done it, amigo.
John: Nigel's a nigger man. They all related somehow.
Delikado: .....and?
JDP: So he's related to Dru! And if he's related to Dru, Dru's gunna have a family crisis this week and now worry about me. Then I get my singles match with Olson and I get to beat the fat fuck like I beat Bob at Tic Tac Toe.
Delikado: Did Bob cry?
JDP: As always. But that's besides the point. I have to get to phase two in my plan!
Delikado: And what's that?
JDP: Dru's just the token nigger in this fed, man. If I don't want him around I just need to find another.
Delikado: Does Ruford not count?
JDP: Ruford?
Delikado: The big black janitor who spends his time showering with Kurt Noble.
JDP: Ooooooh. Him. He's called Nigel.
Delikado: >_> <_<
JDP: But no. He doesn't count. He's just Kurt's boy toy. And Lille Jamal Sterling's dead so doesn't count either. I just need to find another token nigger. A toke if you will. And Dru won't be needed. And he can go and help bail Nigel out!
Delikado: You know what. That plan. That plan might just work! But where are you going to get the new toke?
JDP: The only place where you find more nigels than you know what to do with.
Delikado: A slave trade boat?
JDP: No.
Delikado: Jail?
JDP: No.
Delikado: A gang headquarters?
JDP: No.
Delikado: A rapping or hip hop concert?
JDP: Nope.
Delikado: Then where?
JDP: The watering hole of the nigels....KFC!
***
We fade back in at KFC> John and Deli are standing by with a huge net as they watch all the 'nigels' eating their bargain buckets and shizzle like that.
Delikado: So what's the plan to catch one?
JDP: Hmmmm. Let's just wing it. Follow my lead.
John charges in side and throws the netting over a large black man.
JDP: I'VE GOT YOU NOW, NIGEL!
But the man hasn't moved. He just takes the net off and glares at John.
JDP: Oh. This could be harder than I thought...
John gets sent flying out by the black man.
Outside John dusts himself down.
JDP: Stupid nignag. This'd be much easier if we were just trying to fill up the paki demographic.
Delikado: You sure you don't want to stick to using Ruford?
JDP: I'm sure man. If Ruford was the token nigel there would have been no need to hire Dru in the first place.
Delikado: Good point. I guess it adds intrigue though.
JDP: Huh?
Delikado: Now people don't know 100% who has the biggest cock backstage.
JDP: This is true. But now it's time for plan B.
John jumps to his feet.
Delikado: I didn't even realise we had a plan A!
JDP: We didn't. And that's plan b. Having a plan!
Delikado: ..........
JDP: Follow meeeeeeeeeeeee!
John charges in again and this time snatches a bargain bucket. Immediately John is chased down by several of the customers. Thank god lille pegleg got a good head start though man. Because we all know how fast black fellas are....
Either way John gets to Deli just in time who Last Call for Cubas one of the onrushing nigels and KOs him! John and Deli survey him from a standing position.
JDP: He'll do. Now let's get him to Knoble and Jezza. This way I just KNOW that Dru Dallins'll be the one from our match not with a job!
Delikado: Don't you feel bad about that though? Delikado wouldn't. But that's because he's Delikado.
JDP: Not really man. He can just go back to shoplifting and feed his little nigels and nigellas that way.
Delikado: Good point.
Fade out 4 good.
